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Dry sense of humour, intelligent and easy to talk to.

Likes: Wiley windy moors, drinking, gambling, cursing Dislikes: Coventional morality, his family, you Perfect date: Sitting in a dark room glaring at you, like any well-adjusted human being Our verdict: 1/5.

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Pro tip to all the singletons out there trying to find true love (or a satisfying hookup) on ruthless dating apps: readers make better lovers.

Avoid at all costs Likes: Plain Janes, being serious, telling other people what to do Dislikes: Bonfire night, Heathcliff (he’s his rival), women who won’t stay in line, illegitimate children Perfect date: Locking you in the attic. Reading aloud together – but under no circumstances near an open fire Likes: Game keeping, staring intensely for hours without saying that much, erotic fiction Dislikes: Most people Perfect date: Someone reported my response as too X-rated to print Our verdict: 2.5/5 Likes: Cringe one-liners, playing the piano, moping, brooding Dislikes: Eternal life, , drinking blood Perfect date: Navel-gazing at an appropriately indie concert followed by a moonlit stroll through a graveyard Our verdict: 3/5 Likes: Love at first sight, champagne socialism, Eddie Redmayne Dislikes: Empty chairs, empty tables, the unequal distribution of wealth Perfect date: A protest march with an impromptu sing-song Our verdict: 3.5/5 Likes: Witty putdowns, picking up the cheque, smoking cigars, wealth, twiddling his moustache, feisty women Dislikes: Weak men, liberals, Justin Bieber Perfect date: Cruising around the Deep South on a luxury yacht Our verdict: 4/5 Likes: The Cure, fancy dress, politics, , English Literature Dislikes: Pretentious people, small talk, Benedict Cumberbatch Perfect date: Sharing a bottle of red wine in my halls of residence Our verdict: 4/5...

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